Trigger Warning: SH mentioned, listener discretion advised
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“Thank you,” you said as you kept your head down.
“You have changed,” Shoto commented, “you told me how you feel instead of keeping it to yourself.”
“Yeah,” you replied, “I’m trying.”
“You are doing the right thing,” Shoto said, still with a grip on your arm, “we will go to your place now.”
And so you did.
You messaged your dad that you and Shoto were coming home to get some stuff and then you would be staying at Shoto’s. Aside from that, you didn’t give any other details but he was fine with that.
“No problem, Bud,” he replied, “see you soon.”
It was a quiet ride on the train back to your place but Shoto was aware of you not feeling great so just remained quietly beside you.
He was happy just being with you.
Once back at your mum’s old house, you both entered and your dad greeted you both at the front door but the second he saw you he knew something was wrong.
“What is it, Wyen?” he asked.
“I saw mum,” you blurted out.
Seeing her in that state had shocked you something severe and you just needed to tell him.
“Oh,” he said, “uh… did she say anything?”
“She… doesn’t look like the mum we know… or knew,” you said to your dad, “she didn’t even know who I was.”
“What?” he asked with surprise, “why? What was wrong with her?”
“I’m not sure,” you replied, “but she’s not well. When you said she had a breakdown at work I just didn’t think it would do something like this to her.”
Your dad sighed and hung his head.
“I’m sorry, Bud, I should have pointed some things out about what a mental breakdown could entail and sometimes people really do go off the deep end. I was hoping you wouldn’t bump into her but luck wasn’t on my side,” he said sadly.
You nodded.
“It’s a bit… intense,” you admitted, “I’m shocked.”
“I can understand,” your dad said with a nod.
“I would like for him to stay with me,” Shoto said, “I want to support him.”
Your dad looked at Shoto and nodded, then realized this could have a deeper meaning and he looked back at you.
“Wyen… are you… feeling like you… want to hurt…” he asked, not wanting to ask, but also wanting to ask.
You nodded.
“I’ll be honest. Yeah, I’m not feeling great and Shoto wants to keep an eye on me,” you admitted, “as much as I want to be alone in these times I now know it’s not good for me so I’m getting help this time so I don’t do anything like that again. It’s been a while since I last did it and I don’t want to go back down that road.”
“That’s very good and very brave of you, Wyen,” your dad said as he placed a hand on your shoulder and patted you firmly, “I’m… proud of you. I hope that doesn’t sound weird or condescending because it’s not ment to be.”
“It’s ok,” you said, “I get it. And thanks.”
Your dad nodded again and then you looked at Shoto.
“Should we get your things?” he asked.
“Yeah,” you nodded, “let’s.”
Your dad stepped back and allowed you to pass, watching you step around the packing boxes randomly placed around the house since the move was coming up pretty fast.
“He’s doing his best in his own way,” he thought as you disappeared down the hall.
You and Shoto came back pretty quickly and you had a bag slung over your arm then.
“Ok,” you said as you stepped into the living room with Shoto, “I’m off. We have school tomorrow so I’ll let you know how I’m going. I might go back to Shoto’s again after school if I need to, or I might come back home here,” you said.
“Don’t worry about making a decision now,” your dad said, “it’s ok. Take your time.”
“Thanks dad,” you said.
“We should go,” Shoto said, reaching for your hand without even thinking.
He took your hand and you reflexively held it for a few seconds before you realized what you were doing, and then quickly let it go again but your dad has already seen it and you stiffened.
“Uh ok, bye dad,” you said quickly and then turned and made for the door with Shoto right behind you.
You were rushing to get out before your dad said anything but weirdly there was no noise from him. He didn’t even call out a goodbye or anything. Just… silence.
“Crap,” you thought as you and Shoto got out the door and you closed it and speed walked down the path then out onto the street, “oh man,” you hissed at Shoto, “you held my hand and I forgot straight code and held it back and dad saw and then he was dead silent, like, holy crap, I don’t know what he’s thinking, he didn’t even say goodbye at the end, what do we do?!”
“Weren’t you going to tell him?” Shoto asked.
“Yeah but… this is so much more stressful than I thought,” you admitted.
“You told my mum today,” Shoto reminded you.
“Yeah but she’s a little removed from the situation?! This is my dad we’re talking about! Big Necromancer guy, famous, well known… and I just held your freaking HAND in front of him, oh crap this is… not good…” you panicked as you continued to speed walk down the road.
“Wyen, please,” Shoto said as he caught up a bit and grabbed your hand to pull you to a stand still.
“Shoto,” you said as you allowed him to slow you down and you looked back at him as you stopped, “I’m really stressing. This is really big for me, ok?”
“It is all going to be ok,” Shoto said reassuringly, “think of the worst case scenario. And if you can live with that. Then don’t worry about anything else.”
You paused, thinking.
“I… since when did you suddenly have good advice?” you asked him, surprise evident on your face and in your eyes.
“Do I not give good advice usually?” Shoto asked, his expression showing his sorrow.
“No, wait, sorry that came out wrong but I wasn’t expecting something like that coming from you but thank you, you do give good advice and you are there for me. Thank you,” you said again.
Shoto didn’t seem convinced but just nodded sadly and then you both continued on, him holding your hand for a bit before letting go.
“I’m sorry,” you said again when you saw he still looked down about what you had said.
“I don’t really know what you think of me,” Shoto said, “I try to convey how I feel about you. But sometimes I’m not sure if you feel the same way back.”
“I’m honestly so bad at showing emotion and adequately expressing myself,” you said, “I keep everything in and rarely talk about it but I’m trying to change, like today, but yeah, I still have a heap of stress about these things. Coming out to my dad is going to be the biggest thing I ever do. Talking about my trauma was the other thing, but I’ve managed to get through that,” you added, “but mostly… I’ve realized… I’m very selfish.”
You looked at Shoto and he looked at you.
“I am. I’m a selfish little brat. I haven’t cared about anyone else or anyone else’s problems but my own. And I’m sorry,” you added, “all you’ve done is care about me and make sure I’m ok, and all I’ve done is be an ass back to you and take you for granted.”
“No,” Shoto shook his head.
“No, it’s true, Shoto, and me being worried about coming out is also basically me just pushing you aside and saying that how I feel about things is more important than us being together. Like, what would I do if my father forbade me to never see you again?… you would be worried I’d just drop you, right?” you asked pointedly.
Shoto looked away.
“You would think I would, right? Because I’m more worried about people knowing I’m gay than about losing my relationship with you, right?” you asked pointedly again.
Shoto looked down.
You don’t even need to reply, I already know the answer just from the look on your face, and I don’t blame you. It doesn’t matter what I say, I need to act.
“I was really happy when you were the one to tell my mum we are dating,” Shoto said, “it took me by surprise, but you also apologized. Like you were embarrassed to be with me…”
“I didn’t mean it that way. It’s nothing to do with you, it’s me,” you said honestly, “I’m really struggling with being gay. I can’t help who I am but it’s hard for me to admit it to people. I do want to be more comfortable with myself though. I want to proudly say I’m with you and feel it in my soul,” you said, “I will tell dad. I will,” you said firmly, looking up as you both neared the station, “I can’t be held back for forever.”